Charles W Jones

One day, Linda Blair said I’m broke, so I’ll just do anything, and Grotesque (1987) came into the world. That’s probably not how this bizarre, disjointed film came to be, but someone was desperate. I don’t remember hearing about this film, and honestly, I wish I hadn’t. It starts with a demented woman brushing a nasty wig on her head and a freaky man coming down the hall. I had a hard time following her monologue, but it’s not important because it turns out it was the screening of a film produced by Orville Kruger. Then we go to Linda Blair and her “girlfriend” going to her family’s house in the mountains. A group of punks, who I swear were in Mad Max and Weird Science, are broken down on the side of the road and try to get into their car. Well, they drive off, and everything is great. After the punks break into the house and kill everyone except for Patrick, the movie is like it was something they pulled from the cutting room floor. Then we find out it’s another screening. Oh, oops,

Temple ( 2017 ), like so many other horror movies I’ve seen in the last five years, is about going into the woods and getting attacked by a demonic presence, which is fine, I guess, but how many times does it need to be done? I could see it if Temple was a stellar example of the theme, but it wasn’t. The first 50 minutes were so boring (it’s only a 78-minute movie), that I almost forgot that it was a horror movie; and at one point, I almost gave up. Once the cast reaches the temple, it’s fine, but not enough for me to be wowed. As I said, I’ve seen so many iterations of the theme, you really need to knock my socks off. The effects and makeup when the good stuff finally happened weren’t great, and I’d hoped that with all the anticipation there would’ve been more. Here’s another example of me torturing myself so you don’t have to. Please don’t waste your time with Temple. At least it was only 78 minutes long, so I didn’t lose much of my life. I can’t justify giving this more than 1.5 out

I don’t understand why film names change after the fact or in the middle or whenever. The Mutilator ( 1984 ) a.k.a. Fall Break, should’ve stuck with the latter as it makes more sense. OK Productions is responsible for this movie, and it wasn’t even that, to be honest. I can get past bad acting, marking it up to cheese, but that’s not what bugged me about this film. Besides being almost identical to Madman (1982), there isn’t much to it. The opening sequence led me to believe that it was going to be more exciting. They couldn’t even keep the story straight from one scene to the next, especially with Ed’s backstory. The slasher effects were beyond low budget, and the blood is some of the worst I’ve seen from the 80s. Seriously, did Sears or Montgomery Wards have a sale on red paint? The slowness was horrible and it didn’t help with the repetitive actions of the characters. Really? You’re going to look for your friends again? By the time the fun got going, I was so annoyed that I didn’t e

Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (1989) is one of those films that I wished I didn’t watch because it wasn’t really worth the 90 minutes. At least for consistency, they used the same actress, Pamela Springsteen, to play Angela. There are parts of this film that are absolutely disgusting and verged on soft porn, let alone the predictability of what was going to happen next. Well, I take that back, I assumed Angela had killed a fornicating couple, but nope, there they were in the following scene. This chapter in the franchise adds no value, but I watched hoping it would get better…I have no idea why I would hope that, there was nowhere for this film to go but down. When it was finally over, I shrugged and couldn’t believe that I watched the entire mess. Don’t waste your time on Sleepaway Camp III. I gave it 1.5 out of 5 Stars. P.S. Something I didn’t know, there are two more in this franchise, one as recent as 2012. Guess what? I’m not going to go out of my way to find them. Sleepaw

Itsy Bitsy ( 2019 ), as you probably can guess, is about a spider, and you’d think it’d be frightening at the same time. Or at least give some creepy feelings along the spine. Well, it is and does. Sometimes. And I bet you know the nursery rhyme. This film is from Shout! Studios and their stuff is usually fun, but this one barely hit the mark. There’s so much back story with the mom and her addiction to pills that it’s hard to find the horror; I guess that’s horror all on its own but should’ve been limited. One flashback was unexpected, and I actually didn’t care, because I wanted the spider. Even the effects around this scene were out of place and didn’t match the rest of Itsy Bitsy. When they show the spider, it is cool and realistic looking, but for a horror movie being about it, they don’t show it enough. The tribal ritual in the opening scene and crazy music is much better than the whole of the film. Even the gross events are underwhelming, while the story the archaeologist tells

A friend recommended The Evil Within (2017) because of the retro-style effects, so I figured what the hell. How bad can it be? Well, let me tell you. The beginning of the movie felt like Tim Burton walked in, then realized he was on the wrong sound stage. As promised the Claymation effects were cool, reminding me of the 60s, 70s, and 80s, but I wish there had been more than the short bits here and there. At least a fantastic marionette show was included. The movie didn’t have enough thrills and chills for me. It was a montage of stories interlaced, making less and less sense as the film continued. The story follows Dennis and John Peterson, who are brothers that are bound together due to Dennis’s ailment. Dennis is afraid that his brother is going to put him in a hospital for people with special needs, and he manifests nightmares that make him more frightened. He carries on conversations with himself in the mirror, and this ego tells him to kill cats and dogs, then it gets greedy and w

The Dead Don’t Die (2019) is another that I added to my 2019 watch list, and I wish I had left it off. I figured since it stars Bill Murray and has a nicely star-studded cast that it’d be worth my time. Wrong . It’s just weird and not really funny. I get black comedy aka dark humor, but I’m not getting this. Billy Murray is extremely dry, even his sideways glances and normal witty punches fall short, leaving me with a raised brow. Now, Tilda Swinton, I’m impressed with her portrayal of Zelda Winston, and I think she’s the saving grace of this fiasco. Oh, yeah, and Iggy Pop. His zombie was spectacular. As I watched him, I kept wondering if he was wearing makeup or if that was his natural pallor. Iggy in the diner is one of the few spectacular scenes in the entire film (plus ones that Tilda dominates). When I thought it couldn’t get any worse, black powder came of the zombies when they were killed or injured. I guess it makes sense. This movie went on and on and on, and with thirty-s

Gaslighting is manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their sanity. That is how Pet Sematary (2019) made me feel; not to single out this film, most remakes make me feel this way. I know the story, I’ve read and seen it several times, yet as I watched I began questioning everything that is true. I get it. Remakes are designed to bring in a new audience (money) and piss off fans of the original. This one, in particular, was done horribly. I expected more suspense and thrills than what I got. The effects were bland and expected and ordinary. When you have a story like this, making changes can be a slippery slope, and nothing they did made it better, but tore it apart. At least they didn’t change the character names, which, now that I think about it, might have been better if a new family had moved into the house; but what to do about Judd? The sound effects, score, and the cute kitties who played Church were the best elements of the movie. John Lithgow as Judd was al