#Happy Birthday, @Madonna

Today is Madonna’s birthday, so I figured I’d throw together some reviews of a few of her movies. I hear the question in your mind, How is a horror author and fan a Madonna fan? The answer is simple. She’s fabulous. Inspiration comes from so many places, adding to the strange and interesting facets of who I am. Then again, no one should be surprised by what I like or don’t; I’m a huge Doris Day fan, too. Now, on to the Madonna Movie Marathon.

I think my problem with Desperately Seeking Susan (1985) when it came out was that it was touted as the Madonna Movie. That never made sense to me since Madonna was in very few scenes, which disappointed the fuck out of me. Thirty-plus years later, I’ve finally let that go, making this film much more satisfying and enjoyable.

The story revolves around mistaken identity because of a jacket with a pyramid on the back that belonged to Jimmy Hendricks or Elvis Presley depending upon whom you ask. Roberta buys the jacket, and that is where the fun begins. When she hits her head during a struggle with a super creepy dude, she loses her memory. While that’s not exactly the most original storyline, it’s fun as hell.

The few scenes, Madonna is in as Susan, are fantastic, bringing a smile to my face that can’t easily be erased. I love the scene of her taking selfies with a Polaroid. Who hasn’t done that? Sorry, for those of you who are too young to know what a Polaroid is, it’s a camera that instantly developed pictures…shit…think of it as a smartphone connected to a printer.

The entire cast is interesting. There are actors in it that I’d totally forgotten like Laurie Metcalf. I also didn’t remember how hot Aidan Quinn was back in the day. Will Patton plays a spectacular creepy dude, another I hadn’t placed being in the cast.

Even with only one Madonna song, Get Into the Groove, in the soundtrack, I give Desperately Seeking Susan 4.5 out of 5 Stars. I totally get it now.

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Why would your father wanna watch you turn over stolen goods? Nikki Finn

Who’s That Girl? (1987) is not only my favorite Madonna movie, but it also reaches into the top ten of my all-time favorite movies. I wore out the VHS at least three times, and I have seen this film no less than one hundred times. Excessive? Nope, I don’t think so.

The entire movie is filled with excitement and camp. I think this is more the “Madonna Movie” than Desperately Seeking Susan, and now that I ponder it, could be the sequel had they not given the lead character the name Nikki Finn.

Nikki’s interactions with Loudon Trott, Griffin Dunne (yeah, he was in American Werewolf in London) are endearing even when she’s manipulating him. The adventures through NYC are hysterical at times. One of my favorite of their escapades is fight with the Pimp and the Fat Man (Raoul and Benny) in the limo as it teeters on edge before eventually falling into the water.

I’ve also played the soundtrack so many times before having a CD player that I burned through several cassette tapes. If you haven’t seen this film, you should, it’s a sweet Romantic Comedy with action and adventure in the streets of NYC.

Without question, I give Who’s That Girl? 5 out of 5 Stars.

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Body of Evidence (1993) is an Erotic Thriller about a woman who is accused of killing her lover. Madonna’s character, Rebecca Carlson, says she didn’t kill him, of course. I think this movie is highly underrated by critics. Obviously, they haven’t seen some of the movies that I have that are so much worse.

The movie reminds me of Law and Order, any episode, any of the franchises. The courtroom scenes left me underwhelmed, but most of the film is exciting and steamy. Rebecca’s seduction of Frank was like a succubus tempting a man, then taking his soul while they coupled. I can’t think of a better actress for the role than Madonna.

With any thriller, there’s a twist, and while this one isn’t exactly a surprise, it’s done with a touch of depravity that makes it better. There are bland moments, but I can’t think of a movie that doesn’t. There’s a lot of sex happening throughout and countless Madonna boob shots, so I easily forgive the boring bits.

I don’t care what anyone says, I like Body of Evidence and give it 4 out of 5 Stars.